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In order to avoid further happenings with the infamous Sister Isabella, I spent the majority of last night watching television in the basement. It's very cold down there and she doesn't seem to like it. I was watching Saiyuki in Japanese--without subtitles (solely for the purpose of finding out how many words I could identify on my own)--and with brief bull-shit explanations of why yes, it was okay for the midget with the golden headband to suddenly turn into a monster and rip into people and how no, it was not a stretch of the imagination that the weak and obviously very sick monk was able to stop him while the other two strong and fully healthy men could not. This may have phased her, but I'm not sure. Anyway, once I was kicked out of the room so that the bratling wormbaby of doom could play one of his inane Playstation fantasies, I went to the ground floor and watched some odd thing about Nostradamus on the History Channel. Sister Isabella, in one of her wandering rampages, saw what I was watching and heard the words "occult rituals" and turned tail. I was personally amazed that she didn't try to bless the television.
Speaking of which, the documentary was supposed to last until two am, but I only stuck it out until one-thirty. Did anyone see the last half hour of that? I lasted until the anagram that was supposed to represent both Osama Bin Laden and Bush. What happened after that?
Sister Isabella spent the night, by the way. IN MY ROOM. Consequently, I learned the following:
---nuns snore. Quite loudly, too.
---five-thirty am seems to be an acceptable time for waking up, as well as for rousing everyone else in the room out of their slumber. Luckily, Sister Isabella gathered together her things and left the room, so I managed to fall back into bed and go back to sleep. I didn't get back up until about one-thirty in the afternoon.
---while nuns can cook, it seems they cannot wash their own dishes. I spent half an hour last night trying to scourge all sorts of crap off of a saucepan.
---for people who spend most of their day praying in solitude, nuns sure do spend a lot of time playing with their hair.
---when asked if you know a certain prayer (any prayer, it really doesn't matter), just say yes, even if you've never heard of the thing in your life. If you say yes, chances good are that the nun will drop the subject. If you say no, you will be forced to learn it. The bratling wormbaby learned this the hard way.
---don't try to explain fanfiction to a nun. Just... don't.
---nuns either cannot or will not drive, I'm not quite sure which one it is. All I know is that Sister Isabella did everything she could to avoid getting into a car, including using people as hostages. At least, that's how I interpreted it when I was forced to drive to the grocery store in order to buy salt. *fumes*
---even nuns agree that Johnny Depp kicks ass. They do not use those exact words, but the general statement was applied. Even those who keep God's phone number in a glass case on their wall agree that Johnny Depp is awesome. W00t!
---nuns do not live on bread and water alone. I don't know why the bratling thought this was true, but whatever. I'll go with it.
---since it has been previously stated that nuns do bathe, the bratling decided to ask if they had their bath water blessed beforehand. Sister Isabella earned my admiration for about half an hour by responding with: "Water? No, child, we float like ducks."
---nuns do indeed have a sense of humor.
---they do not really float like ducks.
---if I say something about floating like a duck and my brother walks away believing it, it's considered a lie and I'm forced to apologize. When a nun says it, it's a joke. It was this realization that reminded me why I avoid church and all the people associated with it whenever possible.
---some nuns seem to agree with me when I say that the phone is occupied by tiny demons that try to invade your brain via your nasal passages. Sister Isabella is not one of these nuns.
---nothing exceptionally funny ever happens to nuns. When I pried into Sister Isabella's social life, she told me that she was married to God and that He was also her very best friend in the world. I asked if she had any real-life living and breathing friends and she only furrowed her brow as though she didn't understand what I was saying.
---being a nun does not automatically grant you the gift of language that was experienced by the Apostles in the Bible. This was a disappointing discovery, to say the least.
---nuns do not have email addresses.
---apparently it is very rare that young men to dress up as nuns in order to infiltrate a convent. Similarly, it is also rare that young girls will run away to join a convent in order to defy the demands of their parents. Strangely, the bratling wormbaby seems to believe that there is no reason why these thing should not occur.
---nuns are allergic to incense.
---saying "God dammit!" in front of a nun is not acceptable behavior in most households.
---when leaving someone's home, they tend to make a sad attempt at blessing the household. They also try to hug you a lot. Given my uncontrollable hatred for unwanted human contact and/or touch, this did not bode well with me. I consequently learned that it is considered rude to push a nun away from you. Pushing a nun seems to create strife within the household, which can occasionally lead to said nun-pusher being banned from leaving the house yet another day.
---all the stories I've heard about Catholic schools seem to have lied, given that Sister Isabella did not carry a switch concealed on her person, but she was also not the religious equivalent to a dominatrix in disguise.
And now you know! Sister Isabella left about an hour ago, to my great relief, and so I think I'm going to go take a nap. Either that or read Barrel Fever again, which is actually a very attractive idea, given that the book truly is damn good.
edit:
A fact that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
noueux pointed out:
---nuns are secretly trained as ninjas, as they have super stealth powers and can sneak up behind you without you ever knowing.
Speaking of which, the documentary was supposed to last until two am, but I only stuck it out until one-thirty. Did anyone see the last half hour of that? I lasted until the anagram that was supposed to represent both Osama Bin Laden and Bush. What happened after that?
Sister Isabella spent the night, by the way. IN MY ROOM. Consequently, I learned the following:
---nuns snore. Quite loudly, too.
---five-thirty am seems to be an acceptable time for waking up, as well as for rousing everyone else in the room out of their slumber. Luckily, Sister Isabella gathered together her things and left the room, so I managed to fall back into bed and go back to sleep. I didn't get back up until about one-thirty in the afternoon.
---while nuns can cook, it seems they cannot wash their own dishes. I spent half an hour last night trying to scourge all sorts of crap off of a saucepan.
---for people who spend most of their day praying in solitude, nuns sure do spend a lot of time playing with their hair.
---when asked if you know a certain prayer (any prayer, it really doesn't matter), just say yes, even if you've never heard of the thing in your life. If you say yes, chances good are that the nun will drop the subject. If you say no, you will be forced to learn it. The bratling wormbaby learned this the hard way.
---don't try to explain fanfiction to a nun. Just... don't.
---nuns either cannot or will not drive, I'm not quite sure which one it is. All I know is that Sister Isabella did everything she could to avoid getting into a car, including using people as hostages. At least, that's how I interpreted it when I was forced to drive to the grocery store in order to buy salt. *fumes*
---even nuns agree that Johnny Depp kicks ass. They do not use those exact words, but the general statement was applied. Even those who keep God's phone number in a glass case on their wall agree that Johnny Depp is awesome. W00t!
---nuns do not live on bread and water alone. I don't know why the bratling thought this was true, but whatever. I'll go with it.
---since it has been previously stated that nuns do bathe, the bratling decided to ask if they had their bath water blessed beforehand. Sister Isabella earned my admiration for about half an hour by responding with: "Water? No, child, we float like ducks."
---nuns do indeed have a sense of humor.
---they do not really float like ducks.
---if I say something about floating like a duck and my brother walks away believing it, it's considered a lie and I'm forced to apologize. When a nun says it, it's a joke. It was this realization that reminded me why I avoid church and all the people associated with it whenever possible.
---some nuns seem to agree with me when I say that the phone is occupied by tiny demons that try to invade your brain via your nasal passages. Sister Isabella is not one of these nuns.
---nothing exceptionally funny ever happens to nuns. When I pried into Sister Isabella's social life, she told me that she was married to God and that He was also her very best friend in the world. I asked if she had any real-life living and breathing friends and she only furrowed her brow as though she didn't understand what I was saying.
---being a nun does not automatically grant you the gift of language that was experienced by the Apostles in the Bible. This was a disappointing discovery, to say the least.
---nuns do not have email addresses.
---apparently it is very rare that young men to dress up as nuns in order to infiltrate a convent. Similarly, it is also rare that young girls will run away to join a convent in order to defy the demands of their parents. Strangely, the bratling wormbaby seems to believe that there is no reason why these thing should not occur.
---nuns are allergic to incense.
---saying "God dammit!" in front of a nun is not acceptable behavior in most households.
---when leaving someone's home, they tend to make a sad attempt at blessing the household. They also try to hug you a lot. Given my uncontrollable hatred for unwanted human contact and/or touch, this did not bode well with me. I consequently learned that it is considered rude to push a nun away from you. Pushing a nun seems to create strife within the household, which can occasionally lead to said nun-pusher being banned from leaving the house yet another day.
---all the stories I've heard about Catholic schools seem to have lied, given that Sister Isabella did not carry a switch concealed on her person, but she was also not the religious equivalent to a dominatrix in disguise.
And now you know! Sister Isabella left about an hour ago, to my great relief, and so I think I'm going to go take a nap. Either that or read Barrel Fever again, which is actually a very attractive idea, given that the book truly is damn good.
edit:
A fact that
noueux pointed out:---nuns are secretly trained as ninjas, as they have super stealth powers and can sneak up behind you without you ever knowing.
