Letters.

[kageotogi]

Dear home security company,

Please stop sending me bills. I understood the installation bill, the permit bill, and the monitoring bill. The second and third copies of the installation bill (which you sent with a note saying I had already paid it to and to please disregard the notice wtf why did you even waste the paper?) were kind of over-doing it. I'm also over this extra-equipment bill. I know I paid that one. Please stop sending me a bill with a "You paid this!" sticker on it.

Love,

Me.


Dear air conditioning,

I'm really glad you work again. Really. I missed you terribly last week, and coming home to discover that the seven-hundred dollar bill I was expecting was really only two-hundred and a broken thermostat (rather than a new A/C unit) was a wonderful surprise. I adore you. You may cool and heat my house any day of the week, provided it is not lovely outside.

Adorations,

Me.


Dear church people,

Please stop knocking on my door every evening at seven o'clock. I know I encouraged you last time by taking your papers and your pamphlets and expressing some interest in your church, which you admitted preaches no-tolerance and yaddayaddayadda (why are you admitting that? I was actually interested until you told me my non-Christian best friends were going to hell, and not even your sexy spokesperson could sway me after that!). I've learned my lesson. I also recognize you on sight. You can stop knocking; I'm not answering the door.

Thank you,

Me.


Dear coleslaw in my refrigerator,

Please don't go bad. I really did want to eat you tonight, but the avocado I bought on Sunday is finally of the perfect squeeze-texture, and that got priority. Those are only good for so long. Nonetheless, I am looking forward to making you into a tasty sandwich. Please last until tomorrow, and I will give you much love and digestions.

Kisses,

Me.


Dear Landor W,

I know you're trying to sell me vacation property in Virginia. I Googled your phone number, and your Caller ID status. Please stop leaving me minute-long messages on my answering machine and not saying a word. It's kind of irritating. Also, I don't know if this is you guys or not, but whoever keeps leaving me machine messages and just says "Hello?" and hangs up, seriously. I'm not there. Don't call me during work hours, and maybe you'd have better luck. If it's important, leave me your name and number. I'm serious. Just saying "Hello?" and disconnecting is not helping your cause.

Best,

Me.


Dear Mom,

Still waiting for that call back. Please get in touch, because I -- oh, you're good. Perfect timing.

Snuzzes,

Me.